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Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid
by Peter Sobczynski

August 27, 2004

(out of 4 stars)

FILM CREDITS: Starring: Johnny Messner, Morris Chestnut, Eugene Byrd, Nicholas Hope, Peter Curtis. Directed by Dwight Little. MPAA Rating: PG-13 (for action violence, scary images and some language). Distributed by Screen Gems.

The original "Anaconda" was not a good movie by even the laxest of critical standards but it did have a few things going for it-chiefly the astonishingly flamboyant performance by Jon Voight as the human villain (then again, you have to do something to hold your own against Jennifer Lopez’s backside and an enormous fake snake) and the now-legendary death-by-regurgitation scene that instantly became a part of B-movie history. However, there was no particular need for a sequel (especially considering that there wasn’t a hope in hell-even in the post-"Gigli" era-to bring back any of the survivors from the original), especially not one as lame as the lugubriously-titled "Anacondas: The Hunt for the Black Orchid", a rip-off sequel that, with its no-name cast (with all apologies to Morris Chestnut-if Morris Chestnut is your top name, you may have some casting issues) and badly-rendered CGI effects (on a par with the wire-frame hyenas from "Exorcist: The Beginning"), wouldn’t even pass muster as a cheapo direct-to-video sequel.

This time around, Chestnut and his motley group of fellow travelers (including a slimy Brit, a wacky black guy who is afraid of everything, a blonde who is convinced that she is the next Julia Roberts-or at least the next Monica Potter-and someone who looks vaguely like J-Lo if you squint really hard) go traipsing through the jungles of Borneo looking for the titular plant in the hopes of using it to develop a life-extending drug (although the movie itself seems to make time stretch indefinitely). Before long (though far too long for a film designed solely to feature people being attacked by anacondas), they are attacked by a fake snake that is larger than anyone has ever heard of before in their lives. (One character, however, relates an alleged urban legend about a documentary crew that came across such a snake-a bit of po-mo self-reference out of place in a film as otherwise one-note as this.) Luckily, according to their wise Borneo guide (perhaps the first Borneo guide in history named "Bob Johnson"), the chances of them running across another such snake are impossible, "...unless it is mating season!" Even worse, the only location of the precious flower appears to be directly adjacent to the local anaconda hot-sheets motel.

Indifferently written and directed and performed by actors who look as bored to be there as the audience, "Anacondas" is the kind of film that is so pointless and forgettable that you can hardly believe that someone was actually paid to come up with it and someone else was actually paid to greenlight it. Even the snake effects-the sole reason that anyone would want to see such a film in the first place-seem to have devolved in the seven years since the original; they look like crappy screensavers and adding more of them while multiplying their sizes only make the design flaws more evident. While it may not be the worst of the recent string of crappy horror sequels in the last couple of weeks (that booby prize still goes to "Alien Vs. Predator"), it is easily the most useless and disposable of the lot.

-- PETER SOBCZYNSKI

Copyright © 2004 Peter Sobczynski
All rights reserved.
Used with permission
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While the views expressed by Peter Sobczynski do not necessarily reflect the views of Criticdoctor.com, the Critic Doctor will occasionally examine Mr. Sobczynski's film reviews to bring forth an honest examination of those views expressed.