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AGAINST THE ROPES
*

"Against the Ropes" has been sitting on a shelf for over a year (with no fewer than four release dates announced and withdrawn during that time) and while it is obvious that the film has undergone plenty of post-production surgery, it quickly becomes apparent that no amount of spackling could possibly save this disaster. Apparently, Meg Ryan decided that she needed a change-of-pace to jump-start a career that had gone to the romantic-comedy well one time too many. To that end, she settled on the "based on a true story" portrayal of Jackie Kallen, a tough-talking woman who became America's first female boxing promoter. By an amazing coincidence, Kallen's life, at least according to this film, managed to exactly mirror the events of "Erin Brockovich", from the scenes in which she gets to stand up for herself and overcome tremendous odds to the scenes in
which the star gets to derail the proceedings with a series of outlandish outfits that would seem more at home on Rose McGowan at an MTV function.

The film, in which Ryan and a crusty trainer (Charles Dutton, who also directed) team up to get a wild rookie (Omar Epps) a shot at a title bout over the opposition of an evil promoter (Tony Shaloub), is so awful in so many ways that one hardly knows where to begin. There is not a single scene in this film that hasn't been taken from another movie; this wouldn't necessarily be a bad idea except all the scenes have been taken from crappy movies themselves. (This one even has the gall to end, straight-faced, with one of those scenes where one person slowly begins to applaud the hero and then the entire room
suddenly joins in.) Other scenes are so badly constructed that it feels as if the deleted scenes were accidentally returned to the final cut (the fake newscasts on "Mad TV" are more convincing than the ones presented here). Worst of all is Ryan (who filmed this before shooting her role in the intriguing misfire "In the Cut"), whose performance is simply an embarrassment. She looks tired and bored, she never sounds convincing in the boxing scenes (you haven't lived until you've heard Meg Ryan declare "Dat was off da hook!", "He's da bomb!" or "Jab, jab, jab!") and the accent she has chosen as the perfect representation of how a Cleveland lass talks is so oddball that it sounds as if she based it by listening to cassette tapes on a Walkman without remembering to put in fresh batteries first.

Written by Cheryl Edwards. Directed by Charles S. Dutton. Starring Meg Ryan, Omar Epps, Charles Dutton and Tony Shaloub. PG-13

CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE DRAMA QUEEN
**

In "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen", the latest attempt by Disney to court the tween-girl audience, Lindsay Lohan plays a hyped-up high-schooler who is devastated when her mom (Glenne Headly) moves her from the hustle and bustle of New York City to the horrors of suburban New Jersey. While trying to adjust to her new surroundings, she gets involved in a series of misadventures involving a kooky best pal (Alison Pill), a bitchy rival (Megan Fox), a god-awful modern-day musical version of "Pygmalion" and a drunken British rock star (Adam Garcia) who seems to spend an unhealthy amount of time around high-school girls. (Oh sure, it's all fine and dandy in a Disney movie but when R. Kelly does it...) The problem with the film is that director Sara Sugarman can never quite decide if she is making an innocuous "Lizzie McGuire" knock-off or a darker satire along the lines of "Heathers" and it suffers as a result; in order to succeed, it needs to be either a lot nicer or a lot nastier. However, fans of grisly musical numbers should definitely check out the finale, in which the big show (titled "Eliza Rocks!") is shown in all its gruesome glory; a sequence that manages to butcher Stevie Wonder's "Living in the City" and David Bowie's "Changes" and, if I am not mistaken, also works in an appearance by what appears to be the giant floating head from "Zardoz". While the rest of the film is instantly forgettable, this climax is destined for Bad Movie Valhalla.

Written by Gail Parent. Directed by Sara Sugarman. Starring Lindsay Lohan, Adam Garcia, Glenne Headly, Alison Pill and Carol Kane. Rated PG

OSAMA
**1/2

Just slightly different from "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen" is "Osama", the first film made in Afghanistan since the fall of the Taliban. Set in the days before the fall, the film focuses on a 12-year-old girl (Marina Golbahari) who struggles to earn
money for her mother and grandmother. Since Taliban law forbids women from having any rights, she is forced to disguise herself as a boy in order to work. Before long, she is forcibly recruited into the Taliban until the discovery of her true identity (without giving it entirely away, let's just say that it involves the worst-timed first period seen in a film since the opening of "Carrie") sends her to a fate that is, for her, quite literally worse than death. Although Siddiq Barmak's film (which won the Golden Globe for Best Foreign Film, only to be shut out of the Oscars) is well-meaning and contains an impressive performance from the untrained Golbahari, I have to confess that the film left me a little cold by its conclusion. Aside from reminding us of the horrors of the Taliban, it doesn't really have anything new to say and the conceit of using children to depict the tragedies has been done before in other films (such as "A Time For Drunken Horses" or "The Apple") to greater effect. However, screening it for those who would otherwise flock this weekend to see "Confessions..." or "Eurotrip" might not be that bad of an idea

Written and directed by Siddiq Barmak. Starring Marina Golbahari, Arif Herati and Zubaida Sahar. PG-13

Copyright © 2004 Peter Sobczynski
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While the views expressed by Peter Sobczynski do not necessarily reflect the views of Criticdoctor.com, the Critic Doctor will occasionally examine Mr. Sobczynski's film reviews to bring forth an honest examination of those views expressed.