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New York Minute
* 1/2

Having somehow managed to avoid any prolonged exposure to the various wares of the Olsen Twins throughout the years (an act made immeasurably easier by the fact that I haven’t had any prolonged exposure to 13-year-old girls since I myself was 13-a few years before either was even a protein unit), I cannot claim any working knowledge of how "New York Minute", their big-screen epic, compares to their various TV shows, videotapes, makeup kits and meat-slicing apparatus. On its own, the film is an irredeemably stupid and noisy bit of fluff in which the twins (one a conservative brain, one a free-wheeling rocker and both dull as dishwater) run wild in New York-one is trying to make it to Columbia University to deliver a speech that will determine her future and the other is trying to crash a video shoot for "punk" group Simple Plan, who, I might add, appear to be as "punk" as the Starland Vocal Band-while being pursued by CD bootleggers (one of the twins inadvertently is carrying a stolen computer chip worth millions), a couple of anonymously bland boys and, stealing several script pages from "Ferris Buller", a fanatical truant officer (Eugene Levy, who can’t even generate laughs in a scene with former SCTV co-star Andrea Martin).

The only vaguely intriguing thing about "New York Minute" is the way that the Olsens seem to be actively courting the secondary audience of dirty old men entranced by the notion of underage girls who look like troll dolls and who are worth 60 billion dollars. How else to explain the shower scene, the scene where one has a nightmare of delivering a speech naked, the bit where they are discovered in a hotel room-clad in towels and bathrobes-by a guy who exclaims "Twins! Is today my birthday!" or the bit where they run through midtown Manhattan in those towels, only to be leered at by none other than Bob Saget. (The only thing that could possibly be creepier is if John Stamos started dating one of them on the rebound.) Other than that, this is a depressingly lifeless bit or product designed for no other reason than to give the girls some more walking-around money; the only line of dialogue that sounds realistic is the bit when one, undergoing a makeover, asks for "more corporate bling".

RATED PG

Written by Emily Fox and Adam Cooper & Bill Collage. Directed by Dennie Gordon. Starring Mary-Kate Olsen, Ashley Olsen, Eugene Levy, Andy Richter, Riley Smith and Jared Padalecki.

Seeing Other People
*

There used to be a time when Andy Richter controlled the universe; nowadays, the poor guy can’t even stave off the indignity of having two awful movies debuting on the same day. Not only does he pop up in "New York Minute", as thoroughly wasted as Eugene Levy, but he also appears in "Seeing Other People", a would-be sex comedy that plays like a cross between an episode of "Love, American Style" and a letter to "Penthouse"-sadly, the results lack both the subtle wit of the former and the literary grace and sensitivity of the latter. Jay Mohr and Julianne Nicholson play a pair of engaged dopes who, fearing that their relationship has become too boring (not a surprise since the two of them combined have the personality of an oven mitt), decide to spend the two months leading up to their wedding sleeping with other people in order to spice up their lives. The results play havoc on both their lives and those of their friends, all of whom seem to be played by sitcom stars on hiatus (Lauren Graham, Josh Charles and Bryan Cranston), leading up to a conclusion that could be called "hilarious", though "grim and unsettling" is probably closer to the mark and "unspeakably sad and depressing" just about hits it on the head.

The only laughs in the film, in fact, come from Richter; although co-writer/director Wallace Wolodarsky (the auteur behind the even-worse "Sorority Boys") makes a key mistake by having him play the film’s social conscience, he has a funny subplot where he tries to romance a single mom (Helen Slater) whose kid has approximately as many issues as the little thug from "Godsend". Other than that, the movie is nothing more than a collection of scenes involving unpleasant people doing unpleasant things that only succeeds in raising unanswerable questions in the minds of the increasingly depressed viewer. What is with Wolodarsky’s anti-Harvard bias? (While I won’t spoil the "joke", I will say that the bold message of the film seems to be, "If you are going to have a threeway with a pair of nubile Harvard grads, find out what they majored in beforehand!") How can a movie claim, at least in the press notes, to feature an appearance by Liz Phair when she appears for all of sixteen seconds as a yoga instructor for no other reason than to show that she looks good in shorts? Most importantly, how could a movie this forced and unfunny come from a guy who used to write for both "The Simpsons" and "The Tracey Ullman Show"? Perhaps he works well with others; hopefully he will get in contact with them before working on another film.

Rated R

Written by Maya Forbes and Wallace Wolodarsky. Directed by Wallace Wolodarsky. Starring Jay Mohr, Julianne Nicholson, Josh Charles, Lauren Graham, Bryan Cranston and Andy Richter.

Adrenaline Rush
* 1/2

IMAX films have never exactly been the place to go for thoughtful, introspective filmmaking, but even by their standards, "Adrenaline Rush" is remarkably idiotic. Boldly positioning itself as a study of, as the subtitle puts it, "the science of risk", the film claims that people face enormous risk simply by going about their ordinary lives at work or at school. Of course, 40 minutes of people sitting at desks filling out budget memos or struggling through health class might not be particularly gripping for most audiences-even in IMAX-so the filmmakers goose things up with plenty of footage of dopes jumping out of planes, off of cliffs and testing one of Leonardo Da Vinci’s old designs for a flying machine (sadly, not the one from "Hudson Hawk"). The footage is pretty but never particularly thrilling or gripping and it fails to distract from the hilariously portentous narration. Despite the promise of the title (which sounds more suitable for a sport drink), "Adrenaline Rush" is more of a draggy fizzle-the kind of film that gives IMAX a bad name.

Unrated

Written and directed by Marc Fafard

-- Capsule Reviews by Peter Sobczynski

Copyright © 2004 Peter Sobczynski
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While the views expressed by Peter Sobczynski do not necessarily reflect the views of Criticdoctor.com, the Critic Doctor will occasionally examine Mr. Sobczynski's film reviews to bring forth an honest examination of those views expressed.