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If you watched "Down With Love" and wondered what that film would have been like without charismatic stars, wit, charm or a keen eye for period detail, then "Anything But Love" (even the titles sound the same) is the answer to your prayers. For the other 99.99999% of the moviegoing public, this will come as a dreary slog of a film that can never make up its mind whether it wants to mock musical comedies of the 1950's, pay tribute to them or simply pretend to be a straightforward example of one. The film stars Isabel Rose as Billie Golden, a young woman struggling to make it as a cabaret singer who goes through life as if she were starring in an old Technicolor musical (a character trait cunningly hinted at by having someone say to her "You live your life as if you are in a Technicolor musical!"). Most of the conflict is provided by Billie being caught between two suitors-will she go off with the seemingly perfect high-school crush who has come back into her life (Cameron Bancroft) or will she somehow be wooed by the cynical piano player who she instantly argues with the moment she meets him (Andrew McCarthy)?

The central problem with the film (beyond the fact that it isn't funny, the music isn't that great and the portrayal of the cutthroat world of contemporary cabaret would give even Andrea Marcovicci pause) is the fact that the entire thing has been conceived as a star vehicle for a performer who simply isn't up to the task. Rose (who, unsurprisingly, co-wrote the film) is in nearly every scene but makes absolutely no impression-although she strains to be winsome and quirky (she like to walk around dressed like Audrey Hepburn in "Breakfast at Tiffany's"-how darling!), she is never quite as magnetic a personality as she thinks she is. (This could be the only on-screen romantic pairing where Andrew McCarthy is the more dynamic half of the couple.) There is one arrestingly odd moment towards the end (a wedding sequence that seems like one of those legendary scenes that David Lynch cut out of "Eraserhead") but unless you are an Eartha Kitt completist (she pops up to offer sage advice to our heroine), almost anything currently playing would be better than "Anything But Love".

Written by Isabel Rose & Robert Cary. Directed by Robert Cary, Starring Isabel Rose, Andrew McCarthy, Cameron Bancroft and Eartha Kitt. 99 minutes. A Samuel Goldwyn Films picture. PG-13

Copyright © 2003 Peter Sobczynski
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While the views expressed by Peter Sobczynski do not necessarily reflect the views of Criticdoctor.com, the Critic Doctor will occasionally examine Mr. Sobczynski's film reviews to bring forth an honest examination of those views expressed.