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ZERO STARS There is a school of thought that if one must remake an old film, it is a better idea to remake an unsuccessful film than a successful one; the theory is that perhaps a new approach to a concept that just didn’t quite make it might wind up improving it. (A good example would be "The Fly", which was transformed from a so-so movie into a genuine masterpiece in the hands of David Cronenberg.) However, that theory (along with any will to live) collapses in the face of "Love Don’t Cost a Thing", a film that takes its inspiration from the beloved-by-none 1987 teen comedy "Can’t Buy Me Love" (probably best known because of its endless showings on USA) and somehow manages to turn it into something even worse than its predecessor.

Astoundingly, the film takes the same odious premise-the school nerd pays the campus hottie to pose as his girlfriend for a month so that he can become popular, only to learn that it is better to Be Yourself-and rehashes it so explicitly that the original screenwriter still manages to retain a co-writing credit. The only difference is that while the original, being a mid-80’s Disney film, had a whiter-than-white cast, this version has been recast with African-Americans (Nick Cannon as the nerd and Christina Milan as the hottie) in what appears to be an effort to provide an equal opportunity for embarrassment for all races. In other words-no Patrick Dempsey cameo, for which I can only assume that he gives nightly thanks for to the deity of his choice.

This remake was done by director/co-writer Troy Beyer, whose name may be familiar to the three people who endured such monstrosities as "B.A.P.S."-a film so bottomlessly horrible that Halle Berry’s presence in it should have forbidden her from every being allowed to even watch the Academy Awards, let alone qualify for one. Instead of attempting to create something with even the slightest twinge of humor or even simple artistic craftsmanship, she seems more concerned with cramming in as many plugs for Sean "Puffy" Combs as humanly possible-there are literally dozens of close-ups of the label on the Sean John clothes that everyone wears and there is even an appearance from Melissa Schuman, a member of the possibly-defunct Combs-produced group Dream. Perhaps he and Beyer are buddies but I wouldn’t be surprised if, after this sucker detonates, Combs announces another name change A.S.A.P.

"Tibet: Cry of the Snow Lion" purports to be a documentary but is little more than two hours of Buddhist propaganda. This is not something that I inherently have a problem with (most of the Buddhists that I have known have tended to be relatively pleasant eggs) except for the fact that it isn’t a very good example of it. For propaganda to truly work, it needs to be made so skillfully that the viewer is never aware that they are being manipulated (which is why a film like "Triumph of the Will" is still so impressive and unsettling to watch after nearly 70 years), but this film does it so clunkily that you are always aware of the ham-fisted ways that the filmmakers are trying to sway you to their cause. For example, we are treated to interviews with Buddhist nuns recounting various tortures that they have gone through, but instead of allowing them to voice their own stories (which would have been much more effective) and using subtitles for the translation, Susan Sarandon is trotted out to do a voice-over translation as if she were doing just another performance (Tim Robbins, Ed Harris and others do similar translations). However, when Chinese officials are shown on-screen, they are presented in such a way that suggest the shifty lawyer that Martin Short used to do on "SCTV".

Another problem. Many of the speakers discuss the profound message of the Dalai Lama and wax ecstatic over his ability to move people with his stirring orations. That may be true and you would think that a film like this would want to highlight such an aspect but we are only treated to a few, unenlightening shots of his speaking-never enough to get a sense of those particular gifts. The story of Tibet-with its amazing political and religious history-would seem to be tailor-made for a fascinating documentary. Alas, this one isn’t it.

Copyright © 2003 Peter Sobczynski
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While the views expressed by Peter Sobczynski do not necessarily reflect the views of Criticdoctor.com, the Critic Doctor will occasionally examine Mr. Sobczynski's film reviews to bring forth an honest examination of those views expressed.