Critic Doctor (Herb Kane) - Review by Peter Sobsczynski: The Cat in the Hat (2003)

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FILM REVIEW

THE CAT IN THE HAT
by Peter Sobczynski

November 21, 2003

1/2 (out of 4 stars)

FILM CREDITS: Written by Alec Berg & David Mandel & Jeff Schaffer. Directed by Bo Welch. Starring Mike Myers, Alec Baldwin, Kelly Preston, Dakota Fanning and Spencer Breslin. Rated PG

Although I am certain that Universal Studios now regrets it with every fiber of their being, there is a moment in "The Cat in the Hat", the live-action adaptation of the classic Dr. Seuss story, that features a cameo appearance by none other than socialite/amateur filmmaker Paris Hilton. Frankly, it would be less damaging for both your children and yourself if you had them sit down and watch one of her videotapes than to go out and plunk down money to see this ugly, shrill monstrosity. Let me put it this way-when Hilton sits down to compile her filmography, I wouldn't be surprised to see that this-and not her home-made efforts-was the title that she decided to drop from her resume out of sheer embarrassment.

The original book, published in 1957, became a sensation (and continues to be a top-seller to this very day) because Seuss (a.k.a. Theodore Geisel) wrote stories that appealed to everyone. Kids loved the story because of the crazy fun and the rhyming scheme while adults enjoyed both the sophistication of the wordplay and the gentle message (in this case, the importance of having fun while still acting responsibly) that came through without having to be spelled out in big letters. The filmmakers, on the other hand, seem to love "The Cat in the Hat" only because it has sold millions of copies and because the previous live-action Seuss adaptation ("How the Grinch Stole Christmas") made a zillion dollars. All of the other elements have been thrown out the window in what seems to have been a half-assed attempt to hip up the material. As a result, we now have a version of "The Cat in the Hat" filled with bad songs, gross-out gags and a title character who, at one point, actually says "I'm not so good with the rhyming."

Although I cannot prove it, I somehow suspect that a lot of these "improvements" kicked in once Mike Myers, a man who never met a film that he didn't try to run into the ground with his increasingly tiresome schtick (he trots out his ever-annoying Scottish brogue within 15 minutes of his first appearance). Because of him, the film essentially turns into a one-man show and a more grotesque one is impossible to imagine. While I hated "The Grinch" like poison, I will concede that Jim Carrey did a magnificent job of playing the Grinch. Myers, on the other hand, merely gambols around in an ugly cat suit while screaming and capering in an increasingly desperate attempt to make viewers think they are having a good time. Instead of being a figure of irrepressible fun, Myers comes off like the life of a party that you are glad that you weren't invited to.

Because the original story, in which the Cat appears to entertain a couple of kids (played her by Dakota Fanning and Spencer Breslin) when they are stuck home alone on a rainy day, is pretty slight, many elements have been added (by the same genius screenwriters who destroyed "The Grinch") to stretch it out to a still-skimpy 82 minutes. Now, we discover that one of the kids is a troublemaker while the other is a control freak. We discover that Mom (Kelly Preston) works for a clean-freak boss (Sean Hayes) who has threatened to fire her if the house, being used for an office party, isn't spotless. We discover that Mom is dating a creepy next-door neighbor (Alec Baldwin) who wants to marry her and ship the kids off to military school. The only good thing about these additions is that they take so much screen time to set up that it delays the first appearance of the Cat for nearly 25 minutes, giving families enough time to come to their senses and sneak off to the theater next door to catch "Looney Tunes".

If the story additions are pointless, many of the new jokes stuck in are absolutely inappropriate-especially in a movie aimed at little kids. I suppose that jokes involving burps and farts are to be expected-they score easy laughs and require no real thought-but there are many other jokes here that I wouldn't want to have to explain to a small kid. There is, for example, a bit in which the Cat becomes physically aroused (in the hat and tail) by a picture of Mom. There is a bit where the Cat picks up a gardening tool and starts calling it a "dirty hoe". And there is the moment when the Cat, hearing the complaints of the worry-wart Fish (Sean Hayes again), retorts with the delicate Seussian-like wordplay of "Don't listen to him! He drinks where he pees!"

Although the look of "The Cat in the Hat" is pretty spectacular at times (the director, Bo Welch, was the production designer on many of Tim Burton's films and the influence shows), it is in the service of something quite repulsive. There is no joy or whimsy to be had at any moment in the film (except possibly for the part where the Cat, mistaken for a pinata, is beaten with baseball bats), only the grim experience of seeing another childhood icon raped by a bunch of greedheads who, based on the available evidence, have never actually cracked the spine of a Dr. Seuss book in their lives. Unless you have children who have been especially naughty and who are in need of severe punishment, avoid this film like the plague and stick with the original book.

-- PETER SOBCZYNSKI

CRITIC DOCTOR DISCLAIMER

While the views expressed by Peter Sobczynski do not necessarily reflect the views of Criticdoctor.com, the Critic Doctor will occasionally examine Mr. Sobczynski's film reviews to bring forth an honest examination of those views expressed.

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