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CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN
by Peter Sobczynski

December 25th, 2003

1/2 (out of 4 stars)

FILM CREDITS: Starring: Steve Martin, Bonnie Hunt, Hilary Duff, Piper Perabo, Tom Welling. Directed by: Shawn Levy. Produced by: Robert Simonds, Ben Myron, Chris Columbus, Michael Barnathan. 20th Century Fox. Rated PG for language and some thematic elements.

About as far removed from the simple joys of "The Triplets of Belleville" as you can possibly get, "Cheaper by the Dozen", a film so ugly, unpleasant and retrograde in its attitudes that it seems to have been made only because Steve Martin wanted to ensure that "Bringing Down the House" would not be his single worst cinematic legacy of 2003 (or possibly in his entire career). If that was his intention-mission accomplished because while "House" was as hideous as anything you could possibly think of (I still blanch when I recall that bathroom brawl), at least the scenes with Eugene Levy in hipster-doofus mode were genuinely funny. Here, despite the presence of Martin and the usually reliable Bonnie Hunt, the only laughs are generated by a blink-and-you-miss-it bit by an unbilled Ashton Kutcher. He doesn’t really add much to the proceedings but, playing the staggeringly vain wannabe-actor boyfriend of Martin’s eldest daughter (the always delightful, though thoroughly underused, Piper Perabo), he contribute a genuinely funny self-parody of his public persona of a dope who cheerfully admits that without his good looks, he has no career.

Taking the title, and little else, of the famous book and 1952 Clifton Webb film, Martin and Hunt play the parents of a brood of ill-mannered, vile, spoiled and selfish hellions (whose numbers include Hilary Duff, Tom Welling and a bunch of interchangeable bodies from the "CUTESY KID" files of a lesser talent agency) whose lives are changed when Dad, a small-town football coach, get hired to move to the Chicago suburbs and coach college ball. Just as they are settling into the new town, Mom discovers that the spec book she has written about managing her brood has been accepted for publication-so quickly, in fact, that within a couple of weeks of sending the unsolicited manuscript in, she is already off on a book tour. Although he has been a father for more than 20 years, Martin apparently can’t handle his charges on his own (if only he had taken child-rearing tips from Marvin Gaye, Sr.) and all seems lost until, in the not-exactly-inspiring conclusion, Mom learns that her place is in her home taking care of the screaming dervishes. Filled with grotesquely unfunny slapstick (this is the kind of film that tries to milk laughs from one kid slipping in another’s vomit) and even-more-grotesque sentiment (among other things, the climax involves the allegedly "touching" funeral of a pet frog), "Cheaper by the Dozen" is not only one of the worst films of the year, it is also a perfect example of why so many foreign countries hate America so much.

-- PETER SOBCZYNSKI

Copyright © 2003 Peter Sobczynski
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While the views expressed by Peter Sobczynski do not necessarily reflect the views of Criticdoctor.com, the Critic Doctor will occasionally examine Mr. Sobczynski's film reviews to bring forth an honest examination of those views expressed.