"Where Movie Critics Get A Taste Of Their Own Medicine"
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The story goes that when the jaw-dropping 1980 musical-fantasy "The Apple" had its premiere, opening-day viewers were going to receive free copies of the soundtrack album. This promotion lasted up until the halfway point of the first showing when the audience began flinging the records at the screen in derision. I suspect that nowadays, there are many-and I count myself among them-who would give a great deal to own one of those trinkets in order to pay homage to one of the most bewildering films ever made. Imagine taking all of the most ludicrous moments from "Can’t Stop the Music", "Xanadu" and "Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band" and stitching them together into one garish mess-although that description comes close, it still doesn’t quite begin to approximate the actual experience.

Set in 1994 (which looks like 1980 with shinier clothes), the entire world is in danger of falling into the clutches of evil music promoter Mr. Boogalow (Vladek Sheybal), who plans on rigging the World Vision song contest to achieve his goals. He is foiled when a pair of innocent kids from Moosejaw (George Gilmour and Catherine Mary Stewart, bland even by Canadian standards) enrapture the audience with their sub-Carpenters warblings. Exploiting his powers of persuasion and the fact that the kids are dumber than a bottle of maple syrup, he lures the girl into the hedonistic rock lifestyle (well, by Canadian standards) and casts the boy out to become a bum. Happily, he is rescued by a tribe of refugee hippies and manages to save both the girl and the world and ascend to a better world-all while singing and dancing to tunes that make the collected works of Meat Loaf seem subtle and profound by comparison.

Absolutely nuts, "The Apple" has been almost impossible to see since its original release, though it has garnered enough of a cult following over the years to finally earn it a legitimate video release. Sadly, no extras aside from a trailer (which is just as odd as the film, only shorter); I know I was hoping that legendary writer/director Menahem Golan (the only person to produce films for Jean-Luc Godard and Chuck Norris in the same year) would provide a commentary to explain what pharmaceuticals he was on at the time. Nevertheless, this is a camp classic worthy of rediscovery-once you have seen it, no matter how hard you try, you will never forget it.

ACNE: Written and directed by Menahem Golan. Starring Catherine Mary Stewart, Allan Love, Grace Kennedy, George Gilmour and Vladek Sheybal. 1980. 86 minutes. Rated PG. An MGM Home Video release. $14.95

DOGVILLE (Lion’s Gate Home Video. $24.95): I still hate Lars von Trier’s faux-"Our Town" travesty about a bunch of small-town sadists who torture newcomer Nicole Kidman (a great performance, under the circumstances) for three solid hours. However, von Trier is a compelling filmmaker (though a monstrous one) and any true cinephile should probably check this out if they haven’t already seen it.

ELLA ENCHANTED (Miramax Home Video. $29.95): When I first saw this film, I thought it was uneven but I enjoyed it because of the energy and the spirited performance of Anne Hathaway as a fairy-tale princess cursed with a spell of total obedience. (Imagine what Lars von Trier might have done with that.) Watching it again, it plays even better than before and the scene in which Hathaway, ordered to sing, bursts out into a full-on rendition of Queen’s "Somebody to Love" is worth the rental price all by itself.

THE GIRL NEXT DOOR: UNRATED EDITION (Fox Home Video. $24.95): No, she doesn’t. Trust me.

GIA: UNRATED EDITION (HBO Home Video. $14.95): Yes, she does. Trust me.

PURPLE RAIN: 20TH ANNIVERSARY (Warner Home Video. $24.95): Finally, fans of "the skinny muthaf---er with the high-pitched voice" (his words, not mine) can metaphorically purify themselves in the waters of Lake Minnetonka in a bonus-filled (including the music videos-even the immortal Apollonia hit "Sex Shooter") 2-disc edition of the classic 1984 rock musical. For those who can’t get enough of the man who gave us both Morris Day and the Time and Carmen Electra, his follow-up films-the narcissistic "Under the Cherry Moon" and the quasi-- "Rain" sequel "Graffiti Bridge"-are also now available.

SHAOLIN SOCCER (Miramax Home Video. $19.95): When Miramax bought the rights to Stephen Chow’s hilarious, hugely entertaining kung-fu soccer movie, they had the bright idea of slicing out 20-odd minutes and redubbing it into English-a move that outraged those weirdoes who think that all movies deserve to be see the way their filmmakers intended. Eventually, the studio released (barely) a slightly-trimmed version in its original language but was still stuck with an expensive, useless dub. What to do? Easy-throw it on the DVD (with the original version) and call it an "exclusive" bonus feature.

Copyright © 2004 Peter Sobczynski
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Used with permission

While the views expressed by Peter Sobczynski do not necessarily reflect the views of Criticdoctor.com, the Critic Doctor will occasionally examine Mr. Sobczynski's film reviews to bring forth an honest examination of those views expressed.