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GIGLI
by Peter Sobczynski

August 1, 2003

(out of 4 stars)

FILM CREDITS: Written and directed by Martin Brest. Starring Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez, Justin Bartha, Christopher Walken and Al Pacino.

Let us suppose that you are looking for a movie to see this weekend (and frankly, it isn’t like you have a choice: it is your duty as an American to be constantly entertained at all times). If you were to pick the kind of film that you would least want to spend two hours of your life watching, which of the following would be tops on you "Must Miss!" list?

A. A film in which a straight guy falls for a lesbian and spends an inordinate amount of time trying (successfully, of course) to convert her to the straight and narrow.

B. A film in which a tough, hard-hearted type finds his cynical nature softening after spending an inordinate amount of time with a mentally handicapped (but only in wacky, life-affirming ways) person.

C. A zany comedy about mobsters in which the lead character talks in the "deese" and "dose" patois generally favored by productions of "Guys and Dolls" staged by lesser high schools.

D. A star vehicle for a couple of media personalities whose joint overexposure has already hit critical mass.

E. A film which features a close-up of Lainie Kazan receiving an insulin shot in her thong-covered hinder.

Well, you indecisive types can rest easy because "Gigli" manages to include all of those elements, and others even more horrifying to consider, in one astoundingly bad package that almost (but not quite) has to be seen to be believed. Although this film has received some of the worst advanced buzz (with rumors of delays, reshoots and even an alleged fistfight between director Martin Brest and one of the producers following a bad test screening) since the Madonna bomb "Swept Away", it somehow manages to exceed those low expectations. And like "Swept Away", this film is likely to be the next big Hollywood punchline: whenever the subject of the idiocy of contemporary American film crops up, "Gigli" is likely to be the gold standard of junk by which all bad films for the next decade or so will be measured.

Although the ads, I notice, are careful not to mention it, I was aware going in to the film that the plot partially revolved around a mob enforcer kidnapping a mentally retarded guy and when I first heard the muffled squawks emerging from Ben Affleck’s mouth in the very first scene, I just assumed that he scored the role of the Rainman-wanna-be. Turns out that he actually plays the enforcer, a none-too-bright dope with the name of Gigli (which rhymes with "really" and whose mispronunciation is the basis for one of the more irritating running jokes) and what sounds like someone trying to impress a date with a really bad impression of Jack Nicholson in "Prizzi’s Honor" is actually his idea of what a gangster talks like. One day, he is ordered by his boss, Louis (Lenny Venito) to remove the mentally challenged Brian (Justin Bartha) from the hospital where he resides and hang on to him until further notice.

After doing so (with laughable ease), Gigli brings Brian (one of those movie retards who always speaks gibberish until the film requires him to be poetic and who has all sorts of "adorable" quirks-including a fascination with "Baywatch", bad 90’s rap and Australian accents) back to his apartment, where they begin to get on each others nerves: Brian needs someone to read to him before he can sleep and Gigli, who has no reading material at all, is forced to recite the label of a bottle of hot sauce (oddly enough, this is the most striking writing that the script has to offer.) Soon, Gigli has another visitor in Ricki (Jennifer Lopez), who is another enforcer that Louis has hired to make sure that Gigli doesn’t screw up. Eventually, they discover that Brian is the brother of a district attorney about to bring charges against a top mob boss: the theory is that if the gangsters hold the brother hostage, the D.A. will drop the case.

This is an extraordinarily stupid premise for a plot (in fact, there is even a scene late in the film where a character-played in a cameo by a scenery-chewing Al Pacino- explains just how fundamentally dumb it actually is) but compared to what is to follow, it comes off as the smart part of the film. It turns out that Ricki is a lesbian (or at least claims to be in order to ward off the astoundingly unappealing Gigli) and the film bogs down into endless discussions between the two about male-female relationships. One in particular-in which Ricki delivers a long, unfunny speech about the joys of girl-girl love-is so grotesquely written and badly played that the literal vagina monologue is the second dumbest and most embarrassing scene I have ever seen Jennifer Lopez (who, you will remember, once shared the screen with a regurgitated Jon Voight and a giant fake snake in "Anaconda") take part in. Unfortunately for us all, it is surpassed a few minutes later during the big love scene in which she finally succumbs to the charms of Gigli (making it the second on-screen conversion for Affleck, after the infinitely better "Chasing Amy")-a scene which will go down in screen history for both the jaw-dropping dialogue (watch "Gobble, gobble" become the camp line of the decade) and the astounding lack of sexual heat displayed between the two. They are as sizzling as a Slurpee and you could grab two people at random on a bus and they would almost certainly display more charisma than Affleck and Lopez demonstrate.

"Gigli" was written and directed by Martin Brest (the same guy who once did the wonderful "Midnight Run") and the best thing that can be said about his work here is that, compared to the bladder-busting running times of recent efforts like "Scent of a Woman" (157 min) and "Meet Joe Black" (178 min), it comes in at a relatively short 124 minutes. However, he still manages to cram in any number of scenes that are patently unnecessary. There is the obsession that the retarded guy has with "Baywatch" (complete with unconvincing payoff). There is the pointless detour where Gigli brings everyone over to visit his mother (the aforementioned Lainie Kazan appearance). Most grotesquely, there is a long sequence in which a former girlfriend of Ricki’s (Missi Crider) storms into Gigli’s apartment, instigates a big screaming fight and then, for no apparent reason, makes a bloody suicide attempt. Not only does this ugly scene stop the movie cold(er), it is never referred to again, making its inclusion especially hateful. Wasn’t there anyone during the long production of this film brave enough to go up to Brest and say "Gee, do you really need the bit where the auxiliary character slashes her wrists and then disappears?"

There is, I must admit, one genuinely great scene in "Gigli" (it occurs about thirty minutes in, if you want to slip into the multiplex at the appropriate time) and it is due entirely to the presence of Christopher Walken, making one of his increasingly ubiquitous appearances in an otherwise unworthy film (perhaps he didn’t want "Kangaroo Jack" to go down as the worst film in appeared in during 2003). As a wily cop on the trail of Brian, it is clear that he has been directed to simply do the best Christopher Walken impersonation possible and he obliges with a turn that is freakily entertaining even by his standards. During his eight-minute aria, he minces, he glowers, he goes off on strange tangents (he has a line about Marie Calendar that is almost worth the price of admission) and, most importantly, he shows Affleck and Lopez (who are all but struck mute for the duration) what real screen charisma and star power is: he is so compelling that when he finally leaves, you wish that Brest would follow him around and leave the other dopes behind. I am giving "Gigli" one star and that is only because of Walken: if Brest were smart, when the film hits DVD, he should only release that scene and stick the rest in the deleted scenes section.

-- PETER SOBCZYNSKI

Copyright © 2003 Peter Sobczynski
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While the views expressed by Peter Sobczynski do not necessarily reflect the views of Criticdoctor.com, the Critic Doctor will occasionally examine Mr. Sobczynski's film reviews to bring forth an honest examination of those views expressed.