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TIMELINE
by Peter Sobczynski

November 26, 2003

(out of 4 stars)

FILM CREDITS: Written by Jeff Maguire and George Nolfi. Directed by Richard Donner. Starring Paul Walker, Frances O’Connor, Gerard Butler and Billy Connolly.

Where is the sense of wonder? Although no expense has been spared in other areas, that is the crucial element missing from "Timeline", the latest film adaptation of a Michael Crichton best-seller (one hesitates to sully a perfectly good word by referring to it as a "novel"). This is a film in which, through a series of faux-scientific events, a group of archaeologists are able to travel through time to the actual time period that they have dedicated their lives to studying (in this case, 14th-century France) and not for one second do they ever express any astonishment over this monumental event! They merely trot around with all the apparent excitement of a tour group forced to visit someplace because it was on the schedule. While the film is as bottomlessly stupid as anything you will see this season, it is this lack of curiosity that really sinks it in the end.

As the film opens, the archaeologists have begun making incredible finds in the ruins of a castle outside of Castlegard, France. So impressive, in fact, that the Aging Blowhard (Billy Connolly) in charge jets off to visit the Creepy Scientist (David Thewlis) funding the site to see if he knows more than he is letting on. Continuing the dig, the Blowhard’s Callow Son (Paul Walker) and the Cute Archaeologist (Frances O’Connor) uncover a secret room that has been sealed for over 600 years and discover two odd things-a bifocal lens (which, as we all know, wasn’t invented by Benjamin Franklin’s mouse pal for a few more centuries) and a circa-1357 plea for help written by the Aging Blowhard himself. Following the Aging Blowhard’s trail back to a think-tank, the archaeologists learn that, while attempting to develop a machine that could "fax" 3-D objects, the Creepy Scientist uncovered a wormhole leading back to 1357 and that Dad, who insisted on going through it, is now trapped there.

Joined by a group of Idiot Soldiers, a Brooding Hunk (Gerard Butler) and a Nerdy Guy (Ethan Embry), the Callow Son and the Cute Archaeologist go back through the wormhole as well in order to find the Aging Blowhard. Although they are all warned about the dangers of violating the time-space continuum and all that stuff about a butterfly flapping its wings, the group immediately screw things up and find themselves caught up in the impending siege of Castlegard by the hated British and, thanks to one of the Idiot Soldiers carrying a rogue hand-grenade, the wormhole machine gets destroyed as well. Unless a miracle happens and the machine can be fixed in a few hours (a time frame that seems to stretch far longer), they will be trapped in that period forever. For most dedicated archaeologists, I would suspect that this might be a dream come true. For these dopes, however, it only inspires lines like "The only thing worse than dying here is living here."

Like most Crichton product, "Timeline" is a story where the pseudo-science takes precedence over plot, character or emotion. However, while this approach can work when a little bit of genuine science (say real-life experiments in cloning DNA) is spun out to a fantastic extreme (modern-day dinosaurs), it is less effective when the central conceit is known by all to be impossible from the get-go. Perhaps realizing that any effort to explain things would be futile, the filmmakers simply ignore that aspect completely-the one person who has the temerity to question the science gets the priceless rebuke "Do I look like a quantum wormhole expert?"-which would be swell except they haven’t bothered to include anything to replace it. Instead of having fun with the inherent paradox of time-travel, the film simply plunges our heroes into the British-French war, where they display skills at swordfighting, brawling, roof climbing and prison escapes that you don’t normally find in archaeologists not named after Midwestern states.

On the bright side, director Richard Donner brings a real sense of physicality to the battle scenes-he has, for the most part, used real props and models to stage the action and those moments have a weight to them that simply wouldn’t exist if it were done with CGI. Too bad that Donner couldn’t have simply done a straightforward medieval film instead of one that also had to shoehorn in big-but-boring special effects, dull characters and a dumb plot that lacks the narrative cohesion of a Lucio Fulci flick. Even the way in which the characters willfully violate the time-space continuum fail to provide any sort of kick for the viewer. Despite a promising premise, "Timeline" proves to be nothing more than an utter waste of your own precious time.

-- PETER SOBCZYNSKI

Copyright © 2003 Peter Sobczynski
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While the views expressed by Peter Sobczynski do not necessarily reflect the views of Criticdoctor.com, the Critic Doctor will occasionally examine Mr. Sobczynski's film reviews to bring forth an honest examination of those views expressed.