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TORQUE
by Peter Sobczynski

January 16, 2004

(out of 4 stars)

FILM CREDITS: Starring: Ice Cube, Martin Henderson, Monet Mazur, Matt Schulze, Jaime Pressly. Directed by: Joseph Kahn. MPAA Rating: PG-13 for violence, sexuality, language and drug references. Distributor: Warner Bros.

A few thoughts which came to mind while watching "Torque", a film which clearly hopes to do for motorcycles what "The Fast and the Furious" did for tricked-out Jettas but only winds up doing what "2 Fast 2 Furious" did for "The Fast and the Furious".

1. As the film opens, a couple of supercharged cars are racing down a desert road until they are both blown away by a hot-shot motorcyclist and his powerful ride. As scenes of cheesy cinematic one-upmanship go, this may be the single funniest example since Orca the Killer Whale devoured a great white shark.

2. Although that motorcyclist is supposed to be the toughest, boldest biker on the roads, the effect is somewhat diminished once we discover that he goes by the less-than-threatening name of Cary Ford (Martin Henderson) and that he seems to be attempting to channel the spirit of Owen Wilson. Perhaps this was done to separate him from the bad guys, who all seem to be channeling Snake Plissken.

3. The chief bad guy, played by Matt Schulze, is an evil biker gang leader who frames Ford (I cannot bring myself to call him Cary) for the murder of the brother of another gang leader (Ice Cube) because Ford has hidden a couple of cycles that were filled with crystal meth in the gas tanks. Now if you think that "Cary Ford" is an unlikely name for the hero in a biker movie, consider the fact that the name of the villain is Henry James. Hearing this, I couldn’t wait for the end credits to see if the character name of Henry’s pierced biker babe (Jaime Pressly) would turn out to be Edith Wharton, or at least Evelyn Waugh.

4. Apparently no one in the universe of "Torque" has ever owned a VCR, DVD player or a satellite dish because none of them ever catch on to the fact that the intricate plot cooked up by Mr. James (no doubt while dashing off a few pages of "Portrait of a Lady") is the exact same plot that was used in the infinitely superior action film "The Warriors". However, it is clear that Ford must have gotten to a multiplex in the last few years because at one point, he actually quotes the line from "The Fast and the Furious" about living life a quarter-mile at a time. (That’s right-"Torque" is a movie so devoid of inspiration that it actually cribs the dialogue from "The Fast and the Furious"!)

5. Another comic high-point of the film is the tender scene in which Ford explains to estranged girlfriend Shane (Monet Mazur) why he up and left town without warning while they sit in a playground drinking beers. The scene itself isn’t particularly amusing but what makes it especially hysterical is the way that director Joseph Kahn has instructed the actors to punctuate every dramatic moment by tossing a bottle so that it shatters on the ground. On the DVD, I eagerly anticipate the deleted scene in which we see them leaving the playground and picking shards out of their feet like Bruce Willis in "Die Hard".

6. Most of the film, of course, is simply an excuse for a bunch of elaborate chase and stunt scenes involving motorcycles. I don’t have a problem with that but the flaw with "Torque" is that the scenes have been so obviously tricked out with CGI effects that they lose whatever excitement they might have contained because even the most clueless viewer can tell in an instant that the "stunts" are mostly nonsense. The Jackie Chan epic "Supercop" contains one of the most jaw-dropping stunts I have ever seen in a film, a bit in which Michelle Yeoh jumps a motorcycle onto the top of a moving train. The reason that moment was so electrifying was because it was clear that it involved a real person, a real motorcycle, a real train and a real sense of danger (as the end-credit outtakes confirmed). A similar stunt is on display in "Torque" but it is so overly embellished with obvious trickery that it raises barely a ripple of interest by comparison.

7. At the climax of the film, we see a cop get shot at point-blank range and presumably killed no less than three separate times, only to come back to life at exactly the right moment. When someone finally asks how this is possible, the cop responds "Bulletproof vests!" Okay, I’ll accept that. However, how did the bulletproof vest save the cop the fourth time when the entire building exploded-especially considering that she was standing right next to the bomb at the moment of impact?

8. Aside from bad-movie fanatics (who will eat it up with a spoon), is there anyone out there who could find anything entertaining in "Torque"? I doubt it. Gearheads should probably stick to "The Fast and the Furious". Guys who want to gawk at Jaime Pressly should just pick up this month’s Playboy (I think she actually has more dialogue in the photo spread than in the movie). Women who get dragged to see it by their boyfriends should probably dump the dopes and look for someone with better taste in films.

-- PETER SOBCZYNSKI

Copyright © 2004 Peter Sobczynski
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While the views expressed by Peter Sobczynski do not necessarily reflect the views of Criticdoctor.com, the Critic Doctor will occasionally examine Mr. Sobczynski's film reviews to bring forth an honest examination of those views expressed.